Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
