were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
