Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
