even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
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She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
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