I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
