No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
