So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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