I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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