I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
