I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Someone came in the potted fern
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
