I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
