I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
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...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her