the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dating After Heartbreak
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.