then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
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no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
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my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.