Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The air was thick with penises
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt