Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.