In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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