Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
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