Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
