Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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