and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
