My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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