We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
