i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
