I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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