I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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