I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
