When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
