I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
