that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
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