Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
