at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
