She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
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Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
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So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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