Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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