Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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