She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
