I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
