just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
