And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
