My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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