I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
