But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
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