I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
