she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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