I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
