i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
