Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
