I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
