ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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