i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
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