he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
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Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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