Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He has the fingertips of a God
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