Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's never too late to be topless.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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