dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
