I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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