My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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