Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
