Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
