plz talk dirty to me
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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