Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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